Miami 2 Ibiza

While normally 1.5 hours sleep and jumping for 8 hours straight may not sounds like the most enjoyable thing ever, Ibiza somehow makes it exactly that. The issue is that only after you LEAVE Ibiza, does your body realise what you’ve done. We concluded that it was almost as if going to Ibiza was like taking a holiday from my holiday. Yes I get holidays on my holidays, how jealous are you on a scale of one to green with envy…

Now Ibiza consists of a very unusual mix of different people. This includes people on their honeymoon (interesting choice?), many people clearly in the middle of a mid-life crisis (you’re too old for that top, that I’d probably classify as a bra actually), a huge number of people (who we were very embarrassed for) who forgot to bring pants in their suitcase, and an even larger number of people who thought that a sheer skirt (that only had material at the back) was an acceptable substitute for pants. Maybe we missed the memo that pants aren’t a thing in Ibiza, who knows.

Anyway turns out Ibiza is literally like in the movies. When I was told we were going to a pool party at Ushuaia (coolest club name ever no?), I didn’t realise it meant a full on concert-like arena with a verging-on-Tomorrowland size stage, costumed half-naked dancers, DJ themed decorations and free matching props (masks for Hardwell’s carnival, fake tattoos for Axwell /\ Ingrosso). I then understood how the concert-like entry prices made sense. You also catch on pretty quickly that in Ibiza no one dances with each other, you all dance facing the DJ. Perhaps that’s why the “skirts” people have only have backs and no fronts…

Another thing we found was that you have to pay for EVERYTHING in Ibiza. Oh you’re staying at a very expensive hotel and expected lounge chairs by the pool to be free? You thought there might be free and working wifi in your room? Clearly you’ve never been to Ibiza before. Yes I paid for wifi, no it didn’t work. You also have to learn to not drink water at all. Because it pretty much costs more than alcohol. You can always try drinking the tap water, if you like ocean water that is.

There’s two things to remember when you’re heading to Ibiza. Don’t expect to leave with money or a rested body. Everything costs about 3 times the price of anywhere else and after every party another party starts. One of the biggest DJs in the world just finished playing at 12am? Don’t worry, just head to the next one who plays till 7am. And then head to your pool which blasts bangers all day long, just in case you were trying to sleep. With quick breaks from the heat by returning to your air conditioned room of course (the air conditioning was somehow free…maybe they forgot to charge us) to desperately shove some nutrition down your throat and shower for the 10th time.

3 days, a sweaty suitcase and a potentially torn calf muscle later (jumping is pretty much the only accepted Ibiza dance style), we miserably dragged ourselves away from our holiday on our holiday and headed to Madrid. Ibiza = 1, health = 0. I managed of course to pick up a neoprene skull-printed Ushuaia bag from the airport – which of course was filled with Ibiza club merchandise stores. As you do, Ibiza, hats off to you.

Steve Aoki’s Playhouse @ Pacha nightclub

 

Ushuaïa

 

Jet Apartments

 

Ushuaïa

 

Jet Apartments

 

Jet Apartments

 

Jet Apartments

 

Ushuaïa

 

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